i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
