Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
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They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
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I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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