if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
