i permit you to call me
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
