and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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