Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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