Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
