If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
whose ass print is on the piano?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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