im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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