every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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