Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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