I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
