You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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