There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
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I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
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Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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