you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I understand Curling. That high.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
