I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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