your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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