after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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