Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
