I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I could make wine with my vomit
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
