Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
