remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
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I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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