turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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