I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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