Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
