What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
