Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
