Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize