i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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