you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I still have a little drunk in my system
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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