I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
