How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
