She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
