its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
