True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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