In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
