Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
