I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
