A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
