I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
