I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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