i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
its liver damage thursday
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
