and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
