I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
