I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
