today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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