after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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