Ketchup is God's man juice
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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