Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
