Umm I'm too high to move.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
