he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
