if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
