I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
