This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
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