Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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