I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
