my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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