do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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