I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
