I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
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